i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
