I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
