I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
