Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
