I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
there is puke in my bra ... again
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
