God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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