I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
