she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
