I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
