u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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