Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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