I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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