Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
