I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
