Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
