We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
