Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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