last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
