Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
