Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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