how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
