I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
