I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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