Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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