I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
