Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
