why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
