I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
