She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
