Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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