i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
