yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
