His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
