he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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