i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
