You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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