Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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