he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Two words: nipple clamps
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