I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
