My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
where does the pee come out of this thing
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
