I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
