You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
