My friends, they love my intelligence
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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