Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
