i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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