Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
