does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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