I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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