I could make wine with my vomit
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
