Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
