we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
